Old
I am officially old today. Bring out the black balloons with “Over The Hill” written in white bold letters. Man this was a hard one for me. The number itself was hard and then add to it the crossing into a new decade. Leaving behind the best decade of my life. I am going to make the most of it but not because I want to, but because I have no choice. I mean this is really the first age milestone I have not been excited to get to. I remember turning 15 and just wishing I was 16 and I could finally drive my parents huge ass van, Big Blue. Then there was 20, and waiting to turn 21 was almost painful, how stupid is it that you can be living on your own and you can’t go have a beer. And then I turned 30 and motherhood was my focus, I barely even put a thought into it. Not today, today I turned 40.
Now that I have said my peace, I will search for the silver lining. I don’t want to sound like a downer, It’s not like I don’t have role models that make forty look fabulous. A lot of the amazing women in my life are in their forties. And it’s honestly just one day to the next, it will be one year to the next year. But not a lot changed those seconds that took me from 39 to 40. And yet finding the silver lining was a lot harder than I thought. For some reason, turning forty and turning into a new decade, made me fearful. I am fearful of getting older, I still think I’m 34, but I’m also fearful of the unknown. What doors will forever close? What opportunities will present themselves? What changes physically am I going to go through? So maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself. It doesn’t really matter, I have crossed into the unknown and I am not too excited about this adventure.
I went for a little walk today, put on some Pandora, which happy birthday to me was playing one of the best mixes I have heard in a long time. I let the music set my pace and I let my mind just wander, there was no to-do lists, no running throughs of stuff that happened. I just took some time and ended up reflecting on what was really making this transition hard. I realized what was making it hard was also what was making the transition easier. My thirties were an amazing chunk of time. The person that entered her thirties is NOTHING like the person who left. I don’t think I would even like myself at thirty. As I walked, I was really happy with the person I have become. I honestly wouldn’t want to be anybody else. The ten years I spent in the decade of my thirties, from the day I entered to the day I left, was life altering lessons. I had so much fun and laughed harder than I knew possible. I ugly cried for all the right reasons and I cried even uglier for all the wrong reasons. And for every bad moment there were at least three awesome moments to make up for it. I am really going to miss the awesomeness of my thirties.
So here is how I got through my transition, or better yet, how I am going to get through my transition.
-I have amazing friends. The past decade has brought me friendships that are deeper than I ever could have imagined. I have found the most amazing groups of women that pick each other up and would drop anything to help me, or just get a beer with me. The friendships are so important to who I am and who I’ve become. I can only imagine that the forties are going to make these friendships richer.
-I am learning to allow myself to fall hard. Perfection is stupid. It is alright to fall down, and sometimes I might not even get back up. But most of the time I will. After spending part of my life trying to create perfection, it has taken me most of my thirties to let go of that. If I need to throw a tantrum every so often, who cares. I embarrass myself, I sometimes say too much, but it is who I am and I am finally becoming ok with all the pieces of me, not just the good stuff.
-I love what parenting is like with preteens. I am sure I will go through struggles with my minis, but I get to spend my forties with kids that are going to be adults when I leave my forties. That is pretty cool to think about. I am so much more level headed than I was ten years ago. And when puberty hits my house I am going to be glad it is before I hit menopause.
For the first time, I am scared of getting older. I don’t like the wrinkles my forehead has permanently taken on, I don’t like injuries that take months to heal, I don’t like the “age spots” my back has adopted. But every single one of those wrinkles and injuries and spots, has brought me to where I am today. I can’t take away any of them (well maybe botox would help with the lines), but I wouldn’t even if I could.