The Opposite of Fine
Sometimes I sit down to write and I turn on the optimism that floats above the moment. I think of all the experiences I encounter and try to put the positive spin on all that happens. I try to find the better, the nicer version of what is happening. But a lot of times I brush over the parts that really matter. I leave out the important struggles so I still have plenty of time to sugar coat the story and give it a happy ending. Sugar coating can only tell part of the story, at some point I have to change the focus and bring it around for that all important silver lining.
The demons that sneak into reality are sometimes bigger than we let others see. And to be honest, my demons are present. They are around me almost everyday, sometimes they hide away and other times they absorb my down time. And sometimes even sugar coating can’t lessen the struggle. Last week was just a negatively weird week. There wasn’t one specific moment that was horrible. There wasn’t a huge break down. There wasn’t even a problem that lingered into this week. It was just that every day I was hit with some pretty weird things that needed ME to address and none of them were things I was prepared for. I did my best with what was handed to me. I called my friend almost daily just so I would have someone to understand the weirdness. But as that week was a past tense, I caught myself in a whirlwind of negative thinking, a vicious one at that.
Most of what I write has a silver lining. But not tonight, tonight I am going to just sit with the bad moments and say that sometimes we just need to let them move through us to get past us. Sometimes we don’t need to sugar coat the experience and rush out because it is uncomfortable or sad or lonely. Maybe the dark moments are worth experiencing and feeling. Maybe we can learn a lot from them. And I don’t mean dwelling on them for extended periods of time. But just sitting with them for a little while.
So often I think we just need to be mad or sad. Sometimes I think we need to grab the nearest pillow and just scream into it, preferably facedown on your bed while your feet flail. Or maybe we need to rip up a pile of papers and not calmly breathing, but hold our breath and let our instincts find their way. Or maybe we need a good cry where no one hugs us or tells us it’s going to be alright, sometimes we need to ugly cry just to release all those stubbed toes or oven burns we pretended didn’t really hurt. There must be something good that comes out of those adult tantrums. The greatness of allowing ourselves to process things in an immature manner.
What I think is important is that we just need to say that we are struggling, and that is ok. One day it might be a miscommunication with a co-worker, or a car that won’t start. The next day it might be a conflict with a neighbor or a day spent running errands and getting nothing done. And day in and day out we try to put on our smiles and say its fine, and it will be fine, and we are fine. And sometimes it’s not at that moment. There is nothing fine about all the negativity running through your brain. The darkness is there and it isn’t a happy place to be. Learning to be in that moment and take away the “fine” is a vulnerable place to be. So maybe we face it head on, we allow ourselves to be there and see it for what it is, darkness.