I’m Back…Well I’m Back Right Now
I didn’t think it would be this hard to sit down and write my final blog post of the year, my first blog post in six months. But as this year comes to an end, I don’t know where to start. My mind is a little rusty and my sense of humor is a little raw. At this point I am just dragging my feet trying to avoid the truths of my past so I can find the honesty of my future. So here I go.
My partner in everything life left me after seven years. I was shocked and heart broken. I never knew your heart could literally feel like it was breaking into hundreds of little pieces. The life that we created was gone and our family was no longer. I felt pain I never knew existed. I woke up in the middle of the night with fear and sadness and helplessness. I cried, a lot. I walked, a lot. And I was sad, all the time. It was a rough start. But my friends and family picked me up, they took care of me and caught me before I ever even came close to rock bottom. They babysat me, they let me be a shit show, they hugged me and they gave me reasons to laugh. I put one foot in front of the other and just took it moment by moment. Soon those moments turned into weeks. As the weeks turned into months, I realized I was thinking about what used to be or what could have been less and less. I started laughing more. I started having fun and going on new adventures. I started loving ME. I started enjoying time alone and not being scared. And I was not helpless. I am only beginning to find out who I am, as a mom, as a business owner, as a friend and as me.
As my heart is healing, I am creating new memories, fun memories. I am spending time alone and finding peace in those moments. I am spending time with my friends and enjoying the people I have in my life. I am creating a new family with my minis that gets to be exactly what we need and want. I am feeling grateful and lucky for these relationships that surround me everyday. It has been a transition with some lonely nights, but I am allowing myself the space to be me, not as a “we” or an “us,” just “me.”
This is me, I don’t know where I am going and I am all right with that. I don’t have a five year plan. I don’t have expectations for where I should be. And I am not scared of what the future holds for me. Right now I am where I need to be. Right now I need to be in the present, not stuck in the past and willing myself through these moments. I also need to not rush my future. My want for companionship and stability, for family and snuggles. I need to not force love and expectations on myself. In the present, I am struck with moments of pure happiness. I am happy not because of someone else or in spite of someone else. I am happy because I am me. The dance parties, the hikes with the minis, the glow stick nerf battles, the workout competitions, these are me. The late night girl talk, the long walks, the Wednesday night movie nights, these are me. The adventures, the failures, the successes, it’s all me.
Some days are hard, some days I want to come home to a bear hug and sweet kisses. Some days I want to come home to dinner on the table. Some days I want to be a “we” and find comfort in the day to day companionships. And mostly I miss my best friend. But that is no longer.
My family has been reshaped and redefined. I have to remember to high-five myself for the successes that come as a single mom and a single person. As the new year approaches, it will bring new adventures with the minis, quality time with people that matter the most, and time for me to learn who I am. I don’t want to push aside my heart break, I don’t want to forget about it. I want to go through it and see whats at the other end. I am open to what awaits me, because I think she is going to be pretty awesome.