Believe in Yourself

There are times, probably more than I would like to admit, when I question my strengths.  There are days that I sit down to write and wonder who would read this, I question if I should even write.  There are days I stand in front of a class or a private client and wonder why people are here, am I even good enough as a trainer.  And I regularly think this with parenting, I question decisions I make.  I feel guilty that I can’t always do more for the minis.  On the other hand, I get frustrated that I do too much for them.   These are the questions that pop into my thoughts, maybe not daily but often enough.  The only person that can answer these questions, the only person that can shut that shit up, is me. 

But heres the thing, I want to be questioning these things.  I want to be questioning most pieces of my life.  I want to remember that I haven’t mastered anything and that I am a student of everything.  One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned so far in life is that I want to question my strengths, all of them.  I want to reach higher than my tippy toes will take me.  I want to look up and know that I am no where near the top.  I want to admire people and look to others for help and support.  I don’t want to settle for the person I am today when the person tomorrow might be smarter and funnier.  She might have more experiences and more knowledge.  She might be faster and stronger.  The only way I can find out is if I never believe I am the best, at anything.      

There are times when I am teaching and my athletes get discouraged with where they are, they get discouraged with plateaus and injuries.  Sometimes they get discouraged with where they thought they should be with where think they are.  As much as I want to help and encourage, I also want these athletes to keep reaching past their abilities.  I want them to push themselves into spaces they couldn’t go by themselves.  I want them to see that the finish line is always a few steps ahead of where they want it to be.  I want to give these athletes a safe place to experiment with their strengths, a place they can safely fall down and a place they can safely succeed.  These athletes get stronger because they believe in themselves, but they also know that it might take a lot of tries to accomplish their goals.  And every try is part of the experience.  Every try is building its own success.  I want these athletes to accomplish their goal, to push themselves into places that sometimes feel like failures.  I want these athletes to go to places that make them question why they are doing it.  I want these for my athletes so that when they squash that goal, they know they worked their asses off for it, they know it wasn’t easy and they are prepared to set the next goal.  I want them to know that each goal leads you closer to the next greatest strength they can achieve.  But I also want them to know that when they fall down and when the failure gets too heavy, we will push them back up, give them a high five and help them get back on track. 

Here’s a little something, earlier this year I dealt with depression.  I had days darker than I knew existed.  I felt defeated by the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I tried to fake it till I made it, but it just left me feeling fake and not feeling like I was making anything.  If I would have felt like I was an expert or a master, I would have drowned in my darkness.  If I pretended to be stronger than I was or better than I was, I would have closed doors to those around me.   I came out on the other side because as I fell down those close to me helped me back up.  I survived, I thrived, because when the days where weighing me down someone was always there to carry some of that weight for me.  Sometimes it was a phone call or a walk, other times it was leaving judgement behind and allowing me to be a bit of a shit show.  I am not better than the realities of life.  I made through the other side, I made it to a higher place than I have ever reached, because I had people to lean on, because I had people to carry me through the really bad days.    

Believing in myself is about accepting who I am.  It is about not being someone else.  I don’t ever want to be better than the next person.  Each person that has carried me through my darker days was stronger than me at that moment.  They carried me because I needed help, because I was willing to show my vulnerabilities.  I never want to be the expert or the master at anything.  I never want to think that I am too good for something or someone.  Every experience I encounter helps make up the person I am.  I believe in her because I know that she can ask for help.  I believe in her because I know that she is willing to learn from the people around her.  It’s also a lot easier to fall down when people around you see you as you are, when they see your flaws along with your strengths.