Take a Deep Breath
This morning I taught a class to 10 athletes in 25 degree temperatures. I can not even start to explain how awesome it is to coach a bunch of bad ass, hard core athletes. I love that they didn’t make excuses, they didn’t complain and each person was actually proud of the person next to them. Standing in that cold, I never would have known that the temperatures were well below freezing, the smiles and encouragement were something to be amazed by. They commented on the sun rise, they commented on the surroundings, but they didn’t complain, or at least if they did there was a smile behind their words.
This moment made the cold seem so much easier. It started my day filled with a happiness that I can’t really explain. And right now, happiness needs to be sought out and hunted for. Lately I’ve been struggling to find that pure and innocent happiness. I don’t know if it was the let down of a quarantined holiday, or the end of our birthday season. I don’t know if it is just me or the world around me. But happiness seems to be playing a game of hide and seek and right now I’m not sure I’m winning. I don’t mean to say that there aren’t moments of happiness. And I can sure as hell experience it in those grand moments. Sitting on the beach in Hawaii, now that was easy. Hanging out with my mini for an adventure in Seattle warmed my heart with memories and moments, again pretty easy. But being alone with my own thoughts and insecurities has been weighing me down. Thinking about what isn’t and what could be is a vicious place to waste a lot of time and energy.
Luckily, my coping skills are preoccupying my time with never ending to do lists and constant tasks. I’ve gotten through my lists aggressively. Throwing out stuff I don’t need and filling my garbage can feels good. Organizing drawers and closets brings a calmness to my vacant moments. And right now, accomplishments make my days seem easier, not necessarily happier. Even though this makes for a cleaner house, it only momentarily takes away my own thoughts of heaviness and negativity. It only seems to be the bandaid to the bigger pictures that I don’t know how to combat. I’ve been trying to hold myself up when I just want to fall down.
All these emotions are big and hard, when I really just want to go back to small and easy. And yet life still happens. The day to day continues and finding that balance in each moment is something that I can’t take for granted. Letting my mind settle on what is wrong is so much easier than looking at what is right. Looking ahead should be exciting and intriguing. It shouldn’t feel impossible or confusing.
There is no simple answer or a silver lining. This is not about working out or nutrition. This is not about the greener side of the mountain or positivity in our thoughts. This is about the reality that so many of us face in our day to day lives. Those social media posts don’t really tell the real truth. Those casual conversations in passing, don’t get us much closer to knowing where people are at this exact moment. This is more about giving ourselves a break and giving the people around us a break. Those smiles might be hiding tears. Those jokes and sarcasm might be masking hurt and disappointment.
I will find my way back to happiness. But for right now I need to feel the feels and flow through this moment. I need to remind myself that I can carry the weight even if I don’t want to. I need to put more emphasis on the the little things and let the big things get diluted. A dance party and champagne do bring a smile to my face. Dinner with the minis puts focus on the moment and makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have such cool kids. Showing up at work in freezing temperatures helps me remember that other people are carrying heavy weight and still showing up.
It is time to take a deep breath. Maybe I need a few deep breaths or maybe even an oxygen tank. I can allow this moment to pass through me one exhale at a time. Even though I may have spring cleaned my anxiety away, it didn’t bring happiness back in. Because no amount of to do lists and spring cleaning is going to give me a look into my future. There will be dark days and light days but they are all my days. And right now, I should just be me and embrace everything that makes me, me.