A Big Year
Most months I sit down to write my blog with the idea that life and fitness parallel each other on almost every level. I think about the conversations I have and I think about the experiences I encounter. I use them as a starting point. From there I try to merge the two together. Bringing my life and my studio into synchronicity that not only fills my joy of writing, but also reminds me of how lucky I am. Life has a way of unfolding in ways we can’t predict nor can we anticipate. We have to live through it. We have to experience it as we go. And we have to hope our story is filled with enough happiness and laughter to dilute the bad times.
The past twelve months have been filled with some of the biggest emotions I have ever had to deal with. These have ranged from the proudest to the darkest. I had to walk through spaces I didn’t know how to navigate. I had to face situations I never wanted to be in front of. I had to, not because I wanted to or was prepared to, but because there was little other options available. As I went through them, it felt scary and very lonely. There was Love and Laughter, Sadness and Heartbreak. There was Happiness and Joy, Stress and Anxiety. There was adventures and experiences, tears and tantrums. I got to experience it all, it just came in some very extreme and over heightened version of previous times.
My time at the studio was my calm. I had time to be fully present outside of everything going on. I got to focus on my strengths, both as a coach and as an athlete. I got to push the limits while feeling safe in that space. I got to escape the bigness and focus on the moment. That space has always given me predictably and security. There have been many times in my life, that entering the studio is the calm I need, the safety I crave. With everything spinning around me, my training always remained my consistent. There is no deep drive or hyper focus on some monumental goal. Those are pushed aside for the right now, my training is more about making the most out of each session. I am remaining consistent but treading lightly. I am giving myself some space to feel and to be. I am giving myself the comfort of consistency.
When I write this, I understand that life is big for a lot of people. My emotions are not a comparison or a reflection on others. This is me, right now. I am fortunate that I had far more great moments and best days. I had notes of appreciation that threw me off my feet and brought tears to my eyes. I can easily look back at all those moments that kicked my ass and handed me shit I didn’t have the slightest idea how to handle. But that is not where my focus needs to be. There was light that came from places I never knew needed it. There was surprises all around me and most of my days were filled with greatness. Most of my emotions surrounded pure love and pure joy for the people and things around me.
Here I am, trying to put it all together. I am trying to let the hardships fall between the cracks. I am trying to leave the anger and hurt and heartache. So I am writing this to just say it is hard. The optimism is true and great, but sometimes I just need to let the hardship be felt. Because it is part of my emotional range. I feel grounded in my space and lost in where I am.
The evolution of these months has been a web of comfort and compassion. It has led me to step outside my comfort zone and reach for new things. It has led me to empathize and apologize. It has led me to find strengths in my weaknesses and learn different ways of thinking, of being. Even with a broken finger and all sorts of physical ailments, my work, my studio, my athletes, my training, it has been a constant. It has been a place I love to be and a place I want to be.
It took me a few weeks to figure out what I was going to write. Sometimes I want to write more, say more, tell all my truths. Sometimes the ideas get lost in my days or my to do lists. Sometimes I just want to keep the moments and the feelings to myself and let them settle in to the places they are. In other words, I’m not really sure where I’m going, I’m just really glad I am where I am. This is the kick off to summer, the cleanse to the solstice.