Boy mom

My biggest joy, my biggest accomplishment, my biggest strength is being a mom of my two boys. My minis. So much of my greatest qualities, my strongest traits, my biggest virtues come from them. They have taught me so much about being me. They have shown me how far I can reach, even when I didn’t believe I could get there. They have also humbled me when I was reaching for the wrong things, and are still there to remind me of my of those losses. They have taught me to own the person I am and push her to be better. They have forgiven me when I made mistakes and praised me when I got it right. They have given me the knowledge and strength to find the person I am. And everywhere I turn, it is pieces of them that follows.

Now that my nest is empty and my defining role as a mom is changing, I am so proud of my two minis. I am proud of their ability to adult when they don’t want to. I am proud of their ability to be a good friend, even when it’s hard. I am proud of their ability to own their failures and move through them to be stronger humans. With all of the highs and lows they experience, I get to stand at the other end with a hug or a phone call. I get to help celebrate and help heal. I get to hand out advice, even when they aren’t looking for it. There are very few days I don’t get to talk to one of them.

The time has come when the day to day life of dinners and movie nights is gone. The endless laundry and full dishwasher are only my own making. The late night talks and weekly plans have disappeared. I am not sure what to do with this space that lies in front of me. The quietness seeps far beyond the walls of my house. It is in my trips to the grocery store and the dog walks. It is in my weekend travels and my work day schedule. My minis have filled up my world in ways I never saw and this transition is way bigger than I ever imagined.

I still worry about them, hoping I gave them enough tools to succeed. I still get frustrated with them, especially when they don’t make that one phone call or write that one letter. Even during this transition time, I still get to mother them. We have our regular dinner dates. We have our annual Thanksgiving trip. We have little activities and moments of connection. But the reality of this separation is so grand. I am so used to being on, I don’t really know where I’m needed. They both still have a lot of their daily struggles and they sometimes need help navigating the world ahead. But they are turning more and more to their peers and less and less to me. Life is different and there are so many pieces of me that are missing without them.

Right now I am holding space for the people they are and the strength they carry. The younger is heading off to Santa Clara University in September to attend the Leavy School of Business. It was his first choice school for a very long time. But there were obstacles that needed to be overcome and hardships that had to be cleared. Once the decision was made, things fell into place and his hard work gets to be rewarded and tested in his dream world. I know this didn’t come easy and for that I am so proud. School drop off will feel very different this year.

The bigger is a welder at a aluminum boat building company in Port Townsend. He works hard and shows up early. He is succeeding at paying all his bills and still makes time for our every other week dinner dates. He is learning big lessons and flowing with the highs and lows while still skating whenever the sun is out.

And then there is me, trying to figure out what this empty nest should be filled with. I miss having them around. The familiar company after a busy day. The dinner time talks that lasted well after our plates were clean. We shared so much of our growing pains. We listened to each other and gave grace to growth and forgiveness. I never knew parenting was going to be as much about my growth as theirs.

I have learned so much from raising my two minis. Most of the time it wasn’t perfect, it was a lesson. There was always ways to do it better, do it different, listen more. But it was just us. We didn’t get to do anything over we just got to do it better next time. Now that they are out of the house, I miss the constant connection. My two boys are so different from each other and so perfect for me. As they are transitioning into independent men, I am constantly amazed how much I still have to learn. They are two people I love to hang out with and love to adventure with. The older they get the more these times are fleeting.