Finding Your Way
I was sitting here, looking at my computer. I kept thinking that I have so much to say but I just can’t seem to form it into the thoughts that would make sense in the written form. My thoughts would begin in one direction and then move into a completely different direction. I couldn’t seem to find a way to make sense of all the things going on right now. It seems that most weeks I try to have one great thought or idea to write about, but this week it is just a compilation of everything life. And I am struggling to find my way through it all, to weed out all of the pieces.
So I settled on me, just a little bit of what I feel today, my reflection on a moment in time.
It has almost been one year since I dislocated my hip. An injury that happened in a split second, and here I am a year later with a hip that is still healing. My training has been more of a plateau this year and honestly, I am enjoying it. I have had a lot of time to look back and morn some of my strength losses. I sometimes get frustrated that I may never be able to squat what I could before. Sometimes I’m hopeful that my deadlift will get better with a little more time. On the other hand, my bench has seen a new personal record and my chin ups always seem to give me the confidence boost that I need. But there is no guidance in what is right for me. I have had to define this year the way I wanted it defined. I didn’t want to let my injury slow me down, and most of the time it didn’t. But every so often I find myself in a place that makes me feel vulnerable and I realize the damage that was done doesn’t have an expiration date.
With my hip as my main injury, I really feel like I needed this year. I feel like my motivation and my drive can sometimes be too intense. I stop listening to myself and just keep training, I stop listening to my body when it just needs a break, I stop listening because I just don’t want to hear. But with my injury I had to find a new path. I had to really evaluate how I was feeling, how my body was feeling, and during this past year, I couldn’t just push through it. This time my risk of re-injuring myself was just too high. I had to find ways to be safe and rest and at the same time fill up my need to take care of all of me.
These are things that can’t really be taught. These are things that we have to figure out on our own. Life is individual, we can read and listen, we can learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others, we can search for guidance and reach out to our friends. But ultimately we have to pave our own ways. The individual is bigger than all of that. What works for one person isn’t going to work for the next person.
I am really bummed out that my hip didn’t heal faster. I am really bummed that I can’t do some of the things I could do a year ago. I am really bummed that some days I just don’t trust that my hip will hold me in place. These times are hard, it is hard to rely on the strength and the structure of something and then it’s just no longer there. But I have found out a lot about my body this past year. I have moved away from some of my training methods and programs. I have had a blast experimenting with new movements and loving the change in programming. I have taken myself places I never would have thought to go with the strict programming I have relied on. I have put myself into situations where I had to trust myself and then allowed my instincts to take me where I needed to go, most of the time.
There is so much guidance and self help out there that sometimes I feel like there is little room to figure this shit out on our own. But I also think that there needs to be time to just sit back and think about what we really want and how far we are from getting there. I have not found my way and I don’t assume I ever will, but I am enjoying the process of making my way just right for me.
Finding your way is never easy, and sometimes it is just plain hard. My training is basically a metaphor for my life. My hip is like many aspects of my life. And with every opportunity, I find that sometimes the answers are just too clear. As much frustration and pain I’ve had this year, I think I actually loved bigger, I have learned a lot about my training and metaphorically, I have learned a lot about me.