Right Now
Regularly I get asked, “how's it going?” or “how are things?” or some other version of the same question. I usually answer with a “good,” or “great” or sometimes I throw in a “so-so.” But lately this question is not feeling like an easy one to answer. I struggle with the right way to say, “HOLY FUCK HOW DID LIFE GET SO HARD.” But I don’t really think that is the answer most people are looking for when they casually ask the question. But the question sends me into a thought that needs to be answered, how did life get so hard?
If you know me, you probably won’t be surprised to find out that I am a planner and organizer. Some people may think its more of an obsession. Maybe you have seen me quickly switch the kettlebells to be in the “right” order. Or maybe you’ve noticed my need to write everything down, lists, ideas, more lists. The thing is, I plan most things in my life. I might not always admit it, but I like it that way. And then suddenly my life is not predictable and can’t be planned out. Right now, my life is doing a great job of trying to teach me to let go of some of that planning, some of the organization that I feel I need. Life is trying to get me to go with the flow. And I fucking hate the flow. How did I go from feeling like life was coming together to suddenly feeling like I have no control over what is around the next corner? Or not knowing how many switchbacks I have left until I reach the summit. Life is throwing these unpredictable variables at me from all different directions and I just want to plan ahead and see where I will be after it has all settled.
Before I get too far off on my uneasiness, I will lay out this chaos that sits at my doorstep. Here is the disorganized, the unplanned and the changes that I will survive.
First of all, my minis are out of school this week for the summer. Eleven weeks of trying to give them freedom and keep them out of trouble. Eleven weeks of trying to work and parent without the consistency of a week to week schedule. Eleven weeks of play dates and fighting. This is the first summer there won’t be any child care. The boys, not me, are ready for a little more responsibility. They are ready to choose summer camps that they want to go to and choose friends they want to play with. My boys are growing up and it is that time when I have to let them even if I don’t want to. Eleven weeks of me watching my baby’s grow and take responsibility and fail and succeed. I am not ready for these eleven weeks but they have arrived.
And second, when those eleven weeks are over, we get ready to say goodbye to my partner in everything LIFE. My partner heads out for an opportunity of a lifetime. He will be gone for almost a year and I just don’t know what life will be like without him to lean on. He is my favorite dance partner, the funnest person to scare, and the best at making no-bake cookies. On top of that, he barely ever gets mad at me (even when I deserve it) and he has taught me to enjoy lazy Friday night snuggles. But the year will be filled with coffee visits and texting, not the worst case scenario, but far from anything I can organize and plan. And the worst will be our sabbatical from dance-offs and Sunday morning brunches. The worst will be not having him save me when the faucet breaks or I just need a good hug.
So right now, I can breath. Sometimes it is short and tight breaths and sometimes it is long and relaxing breaths. If I get asked “how are things?” I can look ahead to everything I can’t control and feel overwhelmed. But if I look at the next five minutes or the next hour and just breath into the fact that my life is pretty amazing, I can say things are pretty awesome. Right now, I can look ahead at all the things I get to do this summer, stuff with my business and the minis, stuff with my partner and time with my friends. I can appreciate this moment. This right now. I hope that I can spend the next few weeks enjoying the right now and letting some of those unpredictable pieces of my life help me embrace this time.
And if all else fails, I can always find joy in what I love and organize my closets or clean my refrigerator. I can have my bags packed a week before I leave for a vacation or a visit across the water.