Own That Shit
Saturday I was in deadlifting at a gym in Seattle. The weight was pretty easy and I was on my last set when half way through my back went out. I went to the floor and laid there in complete pain and disappointment. I wanted to look around and blame someone or something. I wanted to yell at any and everyone because somehow I needed this to not be my fault, I needed someone else to take responsibility. And I also really wanted a quick fix, a do over. But there was no way I could l do it all over, and not just because I was already flat on my back in pain, but because it wasn’t a lift that caused this. This was months of training harder and harder, months of taking on stress, some that I didn’t even need to carry, and months of taking my weekends for granted and not spending the time I needed to rest and recover.
What I’m trying to say is, this was my fault. And my first step to recovery is to look at my own behaviors and own that shit. My back isn’t going to get better if I try to pass this on to someone or something else. My back isn’t going to get better if I make excuses. And it sure as hell isn’t going to be getter if I sit around feeling sorry for myself. I need to take responsibility for all of the above and own my weaknesses. Because my back took the brunt of my chaos, it held me up as I got mad and threw a tantrum coming down the mountain in Red Lodge. It supported me while I danced my ass off into the night with my minis by my side. It allowed me to fall forward as I laughed so hard tears came down my face while exploring the Olympic Mountains with my penpal. My back is the center of my body and it takes on all the fidgeting and walking and playing and rough housing I can fit into my week. But it also takes on the sadness of life, it takes on the struggles of being a single mom to two middle school boys, it takes on the stresses of managing life and balancing time. And when I stretch that support and keep demanding more, well I guess my back decided it needed a break, I needed a break.
But here is the thing, we all put demands on ourselves. We put physical demands on what we want to achieve and we put emotional demands on where we think we should be. These demands can help drive us to be more and to reach a little further than you had before. But pick and choose what you are going to demand of yourself and own that shit. Half assing a whole bunch of stuff will probably leave you injured and accomplishing little.
In the studio, a lot of my athletes want to set new personal records, or lose 10 pounds, and some want to do both. People want to push their bodies to a new place that they have never been. But they don’t always want to put in the work it’ll take. They want the quick results with the path of least resistance. I will say, this shit takes time. This shit takes disappointment and hard work. There are going to be days that you fail in your lifts for no other reason than your body just wouldn’t perform. There will be days when despite all stresses and frustrations, the body takes that energy and moves the bar faster and harder than ever before. And this shit can take a toll on your body and if you don’t take care of it, you will get injured, or sick. But don’t make excuse for your bad days, because we all have them. Just don’t let your bad days take ownership of your hard work.
We need to stop making excuses for why you can’t do something. We need to stop complaining about the obstacles that are in your way. We need to set your goals and make it happen. And when you fall down, get back up and start where we left off. My back going out was 100 percent my fault. On Saturday, as I made my way home. I curled up in bed trying to erase the pain, I ran through the past few months and the weight it carried had broken me. First in the gym and then with the waterfall of tears that came out in my best ugly cry of 2019. I had to face that before I could begin my recovery. Because my hard work and training are not gone, they are waiting for me on the horizon.
Here is my questions, what do you really want? And what are you willing to do to get there? So often we go through life giving what is expected. We don’t usually go out of our way to give more than that. But what if we did, what if we really worked our ass off and owned all of our success and failures that came with it. Maybe this whole tangent is coming from my lack of heavy lifting this week, or maybe not. Slow down, take a deep breath and start evaluating what you really want from yourself. Take some time to give yourself a break. Life goes by really fast, make sure that you are prioritizing what matters most and taking the time to enjoy those moments and people. Don’t punish yourself for your struggles or failures. Get back up and take responsibility for yourself. Take one step at a time and own the person you’ve created.