Scared and Loving It
The holidays are in full swing. The lights are being hung and the trees are being decorated. Cookies are being made and wine is being drunk. This is the time of year where we pull ourselves in all different directions in hopes that we can create a magical season of Hallmark proportions. This is a season when having too many obligations is the norm and being busy makes the weeks fly by. And yet this year, we sit at home with an empty calendar and little motivation to get the holiday season cheerful. No matter how hard we try, the season is just going to come and go with little more than zoom dates and over indulgences. So instead of writing about the silver linings or the hopes of a brighter future, I am going to take a turn away from the holidays and just be a little honest.
I am fucking scared. I wish I could say that I am stronger than that or more put together. I wish I could say that my life is figured out or that a smile and optimism would carry me away from these feelings. But the day to day is just so hard to be in sometimes. I would love to say that this pandemic brought on these feelings. I would love to say that the isolation and homeschooling created these emotions. But I’ve been scared all my life. I am scared of heart ache, I know what both love feels like and I know what pain feels like. I am scared of raising boys into men. I am shaping the minds of two incredibly amazing boys. Two boys who are completely different from each other and yet so much like me. I am scared of owning my own business. I never wanted to be a business owner, my passion is being on the floor coaching. My joy comes from being with my athletes. The whole business stuff is way harder than I ever expected. And what’s crazy, I am scared of failing and at the same time I am scared of succeeding. Being scared is something I look at, it’s something I look through. I think back in my life and no five year plan would have brought me anywhere else. No amount of circumstances would have taken me anywhere else. Because I am me and this IS where I am.
So I walk into my gym and put all my frustrations and self doubts into my workouts. I focus on what I can control and I own that shit. I come home and play a mean game of Farkle with my little men. I do the best I can even if it’s far from perfect. Some days I put the blinders on and look at only what is right in front of me. I deal with the feelings of not being enough, not enough for me, for my boys or my business. Emotions are big when we have a lot of time alone.
The other weekend, I lost my shit. I crumbled and collapsed. I melted down and broke. I laid it all out for one person who had no idea what to do with me or my loss. I felt scared of everything. I was mad at myself for my feelings and mad that no one else could make it better for me. The next day I went up to the mountains by myself. I went for a forest cleanse and some much needed time alone. I allowed my mind to just settle on the feelings. I shed some tears and embraced it all. At the top of the mountain I stood alone, a bench to sit on and blue skies to light the way.
The whole walk up I just allowed myself to be scared of everything, I thought about the word and my definition and what it means. I thought about the times I’ve been scared and things that scare me. As I turned to make my way down, I thought about fear and being afraid. And the word didn’t fit me, it didn’t fit my mood. What is the difference between the two? Here is my personal definition. Being scared happens because you are already doing something. Your feelings cause you to react and you can change those emotions by choices you make. Scared, means you are already in motion, you have to reevaluate, reconfigure, regroup to take the feeling away. Now, being afraid means you avoid things that create that feeling. You turn the other way. Being afraid keeps you from opening the doors and jumping in. Being afraid keeps you from going into the haunted house, but going into the haunted house is what makes you scared. When I separated those two words, a smile broke and my heart felt so warm. I am doing all these things. I am only scared because I am doing them. I took each of these challenges whether I wanted to or not, and I am doing it.
I am taking this time to look at this emotion as a door opening. I can embrace all of this because now I have time to reevaluate, reconfigure and regroup. I am entering this new year with a smile and empowerment, knowing that I can be scared, I love being scared. I am out of my comfort zone in so many parts of my life, but this feeling isn’t stopping me from doing anything. It is giving me power to open new doors and new opportunities. This next year, I will open my world up to many more experiences and some of them will scare me. But that will never keep me from experiencing what life has to offer me.