Oh, The Memories
A few months ago, it really felt like the world was going to open. We saw friendly faces in the grocery store. We hugged our friends and shook hands with acquaintances. We had gatherings with people we barely knew and started planning travels to new and foreign places. But all that halted. We are suddenly and expectantly frozen in time. The unknown is more of a constant than a temporary. We lack expertise in most things pandemic related, yet we are bombarded with facts and options that usually melt together into confusion and fiction. We thought we had seen the worst of it, and yet we are living in the erratic world that is our present.
I feel like we spent the past year looking ahead and seeing a future where this would all be a bad memory, a bump in the road. But reality has set in and this is far from over and our brighter days are going to have to come from within.
The weight of all this chaos is really fucking heavy. The kids are back in school, but most of us are holding our breaths wondering how long before we go back to remote learning. The small businesses are opened, but the regulations are adding up and it is both exhausting and draining, taxing us mentally and financially. Our travel plans are teetering on vaccinations, tests and the ever changing acceptance. Our circle of hugs is getting smaller and smaller. And I still can’t see a future where I’ll be high-fiving my athletes.
I keep trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel but so far there is none to be found. Most of us are doing the best we can. Most of us are hanging on even though many times we want to just let go. And as I sit here thinking about the weight of all this negativity, I will say NO. I will say, fuck all of this. Lets sit back and pull in the memories from this past year. Lets reinvent what has matter most to us and let go of the things we don’t need to make time for.
I am not looking at the optimism or trying to create a silver lining. Not at all. I am saying, this fucking sucks. But you know what doesn’t suck, the memories I have with some of my closest friends. You know what doesn’t suck, my athletes showing up in all kinds of weather ready to get an ass kicking. Scoring 9000 points in one turn of Farkle, definitely didn’t suck. Time with my minis had way more ups than downs. When I started threading together the memories that made up this past 18 months, it was actually nothing short of amazing. I had so many nights of Zoom talks with my brother. I had months of Tuesday night dinners with one of my bests. I had holidays that were spent with friends and family. And as these memories started flooding together, I realized that there was so much happiness in the day to day. My second vaccine day was about 24 hours of pure fun, my friends actually took all my anxiety and made it one of the best days I’ve ever had. Taking a trip to Arizona and getting to have a hilarious night out with one of my bests was a memory that will last a lifetime. Taking my boys up to Alaska was exactly what we needed. Having tequila tastings and heart to hearts made for a few perfect Friday nights.
We are looking ahead with uncertainty, but I am going to spend some time looking back. This year has honestly been one of the best years of my life. I have the best friends in the whole world. I talk on the phone with my sister almost every single day. I get to have dinner with my parents Sunday nights. My new gym space is everything I never knew I wanted, literally an amazing place I love to work in. The faces I get to see every day light up my world. Right now, I don’t have the patience or the capability to look ahead. I don’t have the optimism or the confidence to plan for the months coming. But I do have a great attitude to be right here right now. I have a life filled with memories and people I get to share them with.
And over this next wave of uncertainty, I am going to pull together the memories that have made this shit storm bearable. I am going to hold close to me the experiences that made this time manageable. I may even celebrate a random day with a nice bottle of Champagne. Because I am not going to let the unsettling feelings about the future ruin my time in the present.