Motivation

Every time I sit down to write my blog, I come up short.  I sit down and write a paragraph or two and then I get distracted or I get tired or my brain just turns off.  Most of the time, I try to plow through another paragraph.  Before I even get  through the first sentence I have nothing to say and no words to write.  I thought it was my mind needing some rest.  I thought it was time management, and I couldn’t find the time.  When all the stars line up, I am still left staring at the screen.  I am too quick to move on and at the same time there is always something to pull me away.  What I realized, it is none of the above.  I am lacking motivation.  I am lacking the drive and the discipline to just write.  And it is very frustrating.

We just returned from a very relaxing and enjoyable family trip to Hawaii.  I swam in the ocean every day, I even got to swim with a sea turtle one day.  I spent time with my entire family and watched my boys smile and laugh with their cousins and each other.  I ate amazing food and sipped on cocktails.  I walked a ton and absorbed the warm blue skies.  I kept looking at my computer thinking I’d have something to say.  I kept reminding myself that any moment would be a perfect moment to write.  But my computer sat in my bag the entire time.  I gave myself the excuse that the plane ride would give me the time I needed.  Then I gave myself the excuse that the weekend before I reemerged back into society would be a great time for writing and reflection.  But I just kept giving myself excuses.  I couldn’t find anything worth writing so I didn’t write at all.

The guilt I feel for coming up empty on thoughts and words is worse than the blank screen in front of me.  Lacking motivation for things I dread is easy and sometimes comforting.  But lacking motivation for something I love is foreign and scary.  To ease myself, I decided to just write about it.  It is really hard to look at something that brings me so much joy and just make every excuse to avoid it.  It is really difficult and time consuming, to sit down to write, only to give up a few sentences in.  For someone who is usually pretty motivated to get stuff done, this has been hard.  For someone who rarely lacks conversations and almost always has something to say, this has been annoying

Tonight, I just sat down and wrote.  I didn’t want to, I honestly didn’t feel motivated.  I began by folding laundry and watching a holiday movie.  After that, I set my fantasy football team.  At that point I just needed to write.  I think most of us are going through similar things with our own expectations on ourselves.  It is easy to let it slide when it is things we avoid, but when it is things we enjoy, it is easy to see how much motivation can be a struggle and vortex into filling our time with nothingness.

I worry about allowing myself to slip too far away from things I enjoy.  I worry that I will fill that time and energy with other things, things I don’t enjoy, things that feel like obligations.  I didn’t want to write last month, so I didn’t.  I didn’t want to write this month, so I am making myself type each word with the hopes that I can find some motivation, not in the writing but in the completion.  I am trying to find my way out of this funk while still allowing for a little space to find my way to where I want to be.

I love writing.  It is something I have always done and something I hope to continue.  I want to give myself a break, take some of the pressure off of a life and world that always seems to be stretching me in every direction.  I find with motivation I have more time to do what I love.  The lack of motivation is what drains me.  Sometimes I do need to plow through so I don’t get stuck in a rut I can’t get out of.  It isn’t easy and I know it sounds a little privileged coming off of a freshly vacationed writer.  But that isn’t the point.  The point is to put one foot in front of the other no matter how little the steps and how slowly you move.

This is my favorite season of the year.  I was hoping to write something exciting and heart warming.  But honestly, I am stressed out and feeling the weight of everything around me.  I hope this season brings some calm.  I want to enjoy time with friends and family and see what it has to offer.  In my procrastination, I was able to get my tree up and make some plans with people special to me.  This might not be what I was expecting to write about, but I do want to enjoy the moments and absorb all this season has to offer.