Letting Go
As this year makes it way to the finish line, I am overwhelmed with the shifts this year brought. The year has taken so many turns I don’t even have a road map for where I’ve gone or who I’ve become. There were moments I wanted to fast forward to the end. And moments I wanted to hold onto and stay longer. There were highs that touched the sky and lows that pulled me so far down I wasn’t sure I could get back up. There were stresses that kept me up all night and celebrations that couldn’t put me to sleep. I think I am ready to say goodbye to this year. Looking back on it is quiet the memory.
As my final blog of the year, I am going to let go. I am going to let go of the expectations I put on myself and the world around me. I am going to let go of my goals that didn’t get accomplished and my projects that didn’t get finished. I am going to let go of the negativity and the frustrations that pulled at me. So many things weren’t accomplished, fuck it, it doesn’t really matter. I was hoping to write my blog once a month, and I missed a few months. I was hoping to be more present and I got distracted. I was hoping to work on my squat and remembered I hate squats. It is time to let go and move forward. Life got bigger than a squat or a blog. Life got more important and responsibilities took over. I needed to let go so I could make room for everything else that came at me this year. I needed to learn about myself this year and the decisions I made will forever shift the person I am.
My younger mini, the one who studies without being asked. The one who comes home before he’s supposed to. The one who always does his laundry and usually cleans his room. He threw me into a place and person I never expected. At the beginning of the school year, he came to me with the biggest heart and the strongest soul. His friend was needing a place to live and a place to be supported. He needed a landing pad to focus on school and graduate with his peers. He needed my mini to do what needed to be done and figure out the logistics later. And I now have two seniors getting ready to graduate this year. Our small house, that was just about perfect for the two of us, became a house for three again. We adjusted our home and our lives to welcome our bonus kid. The image I had of my minis senior year had to shift. Our lives adapted and with that we grew. It is not always easy, but it is where I am supposed to be and that makes it all seem right. Having two seniors is filling up my home and my life with this huge moment in these two boys life.
My idea of family and home is shifting with all of these adjustments. This next year is coming in with some big changes and challenges. The younger mini graduates high school. He is in the middle of college applications while finishing another quarter of Running Start. The time we have together is becoming the lasts. And it hurts. We have a dinner date once a month, just the two of us. I love seeing the person he is becoming and watching our relationship evolve into a place where I can let him soar. My older mini is adulting. He lives with his two best friends and has a job he loves, welding boats. He comes over for our real time-face times every Thursday. He brings his smile and a hug. He shares his highs and lows and is constantly reminding me that he is learning to take care of himself. The reality of an empty nest is both exciting and heartbreaking. I have spent the past 20 years with my minis as my main focus. We have gone on adventures and had nightly dinners. We have had movie nights and mandatory walks. My mind swims with all the memories and the reality that they are moving beyond my house is hard. Letting go of these two as they find their way, well I’ll never let go, I’ll just give them a little extra space.
As these changes happen, my existence is adjusting and I am struggling. I am reaching for a never ending moment or a breath that lasts forever. I want these steps and stages to be easier. I want the road map laid out so I can predict and prepare for what comes next. The heart ache is real. This next year I will be moving to Tacoma and commuting to Port Townsend. I am not ready and at the same time I have been waiting 10 years for this. The ground is shifting in ways I didn’t prepare for. All the while I am so lucky for where I am and the people that surround me. I need to throw the map away and let all these experiences hold me. My home is Port Townsend and I have to learn to let go so I can be.