And Just Like That

Well, where do I go now? This past year gave me more than I ever knew I could handle. Every corner I turned, every path I chose, it seemed like an uphill climb in three feet of snow. And suddenly here I am. Most of last year was built around a timeline and everything is completed and I feel like I am heading down a hill in soft sand. I am a married woman, and had the most perfect wedding I could have ever dreamed up. I have two boys that graduated high school this year. I got to watch them walk together at graduation. The steps they took on the day were symbolic to the steps they took all year. They walked together as two friends, as family and as individuals. We have all formed a bond that will always be and I couldn’t be more proud. My nest is almost empty and all my minis are ready to enter the world. The past year has been filled with so much. Probably too much. And suddenly all those pins I put in place, weren’t actually needed. All those big moments I didn’t think my heart could take, it took them and it just grew bigger than I had ever trained for. All those stressful walks and never ending to do lists, they ended up with outcomes that far exceeded anything I could have imagined. And now there is space. Space to breath, space to be present for others, space to organize my room, space to be a wife and space to learn to be the mother of adult children.

I feel light. My heart is beating at a slower pace. My evenings seem to stretch on and give me time to just be. This past year started with having to move my gym. Finding a new place and moving thousands of pounds of equipment. Right before that was complete, I got all my stuff stolen on a trip with the mini. Once that seemed under control, my bonus kid enter my life. Then life just happened. Navigating college applications and two seniors. Planning a wedding and birthdays. Parenting like a boss and showing up for work everyday. Even throwing a super fun graduation party for the boys. In the end I got the wedding of my dreams. I got to feel love like I never knew possible. I got to build a community in Tacoma and hold onto my community in Port Townsend. I got to spend hundreds of hours walking dogs at the humane society and letting the dogs teach me the biggest lessons ever…be patient and calm, read body language and know that forgiveness is the easiest way to healing.

So much of this year was taking care of my boys, all of them, and taking care of myself. I was needed and a big part of that was showing up for all of it. I had my bio kid that needed me to stay up late editing a paper, or just talking. I had my bonus kid that needed me to be consistent and to be his right now. Getting him through his senior project and being on his case about a class or two. I had my older mini that needed hugs and phone calls and our real time FaceTimes to help navigate the beginning of adulting. His independence is strong but he is still my mini. I had my now husband who I got to spend the weekends with. And to be honest, I needed him to lean on this year. I needed someone at the other end of the phone during the week. Someone to greet me with a hug on Friday afternoons. Someone to make me dinner and make me laugh. And someone who told me I was worth it and who held my hand through all of it. He also wrote me the most special vows and took my shelter dog so my house wasn’t too small.

All this space feels good. I get to put my feet up and just soak in every moment of every day.

This year took me on a ride. It was hard and challenging with lots of tears and frustrations. But there was so much joy and happiness and growth. There was so much heart and soul and finding what really matters in life. And here I am entering into the next phase. For the first time in more than a year I feel like I can take a deep breath and just enjoy this moment of absolute calm. Right now, I am not ready to look forward. I am enjoying every moment of right now. It feels good to breath. I don’t expect this to stay forever. But I am going to embrace every second and every day that I have to just take a deep breath. I knew I was drowning. I knew I was barely making it. Now that it is over I feel so light. There is so much space and I am slowly able to reflect back on what was. My summer feels like a summer. The days are long in all the best ways. I get to eat watermelon until my face and arms are sticky. I get to wake up early on the weekends to spend my mornings with the shelter pups. I get to hang out with the husband and a glass of wine on the weekend evenings talking about the week behind and the week ahead.