Failure and Forgiveness
As the year continues with all its transitions and changes, finding a balance between control and letting go is so much harder than I imagined. The moments I get to watch the minis make their own ways into the world. The moments I have to leave behind my own wants for what needs to happen. The moments when peacefulness comes from chaos and chaos brings with it peace. It is all moving in so many different directions. These moments in time are fleeting, being present is where I am supposed to be right now. There is no time to think about the yesterdays. There is no time to worry about the tomorrows. But there is plenty of time to stay up late for a good conversation. There is plenty of time to take a walk and enjoy the spring blooms. There seems to be plenty of time to make time for the right nows.
With all of these huge transitions, there are a lot of what if’s and maybes up ahead. My time at work is the quietest time of my days. It is a place that I can be structured and for the most part predicted. The classes show up and the community they build is rewarding. The individual athletes are setting goals and pushing themselves to the next level. My days are filled with kick ass workouts and great conversations. This is life right now. Behind all the successes life is still filled with failures. The greatness of the day to day carries with it the things that didn’t get done and the things that could have been better. With all of this many days still have their fair amount of tantrums and forgiveness.
I know I am growing when failure is knocking at my door. Failure seems to be a scary word that carries with it a lot of negative connotations. It is scattered with inadequacies and littered with incompetencies. But failure is where lessons are learned and growth is measurable. Sometimes we have to fall down to remember how to get back up again. Sometimes we have to fail to find out where to find strength. And with all the successes I get to watch in my day, failure is always one movement away, one conversation that didn’t need to happen. My early morning walks can get filled with the list of failures and the heaviness they carry with them. But ultimately we are all human and learning about ourselves and making us better people comes when we aren’t perfect. The growth that takes place at the bottom is deep rooted and a foundation for strength. I tell my athletes “you are only as strong as your weakest point.” Just like training, weaknesses cause imbalances and injuries. It isn’t about absolutes, but about acceptance.
Failure is a starting point. Most of my failures start as disappointment, followed quickly by a tantrum. When I have finished, I can then evaluate the situation. I can look at what happened and what I need to work on, where I need to grow. And I am not always right. Sometimes I miss the weakness. Sometimes I didn’t even realize I was failing. There are times that I would rather not face the world. There are times when failure just sucks and I don’t want to grow. I just want to accept. All of that is fine, not because I know better, but because this is life. I am never trying to be perfect. I don’t need to be the best at anything. I just need to be good at a lot of things. A good friend, a good parent, a good coach and a good driver.
When failure is big, there is always forgiveness. Forgiveness can help pull us away from the heaviness. It can help us accept where we are and remind us that this does not define us but it is part of our learning and our growth. We can ask for forgiveness from the people around us. But we also need to ask forgiveness of ourselves. We need to know that it is alright to be struggling or to make some bad decisions. Forgiveness can be the deep breath we can’t seem to find. It can be quietness in the chaos. It comes when we know we aren’t right. It can be hard to acknowledge, hard to ask for and hard to accept.
What if the next time we failed, we congratulated ourselves and saw growth. What if the next time we failed, we shrugged it off and kept going. Failure is such a big word and doesn’t always need to be. So what if you failed a test. So what if you fail at an exercise. There are so many little successes we have each day and all of those get lost in our many strengths. Most of us don’t even realize how great we are because we don’t take the time to honor each of those moments. We won’t praise ourselves for getting up early for a workout every morning, but we will carry the weight if we decide to stay in bed and skip out one morning. Lighten your load, decide how you want to see your struggles. You are probably a lot stronger than you thought and only getting stronger.