Putting a Pin In It

This winter hit me harder than most. We just finished up our birthday season and we are settling into the longer days and the warmer air…kinda. But my motivation, my drive to get things done seems to be far away and off track. The darkness of winter is lingering hard in the Northwest. The days are getting a little longer but the gloom is in full effect. I am trying to get ready for all of what comes next, yet I seem to be spinning in circles, chasing a tail that doesn’t exist. I am making my to do lists yet I seem to push most things off until tomorrow or next week. It all feels exhausting and never ending.

I can coach others through these lulls of life. I can detail little steps to make these moments a little easier, a little more manageable. But when it comes to me, my voice gets lost in the chaos and it all just feels too much. My training gets stagnant, my walks get monotonous, the day to day gets muffled into one. It is easy to talk about the ease of small habits to change the big picture. It is easy to talk about focusing on the positive to change the world we live in to a better place. But when life feels heavy and hard those words don’t really mean much. Sometimes everything feels like a chore or a job and the joy gets lost in all of it. During these times the days come and go without a lot of separation. So for today, fuck all the baby steps. Fuck the silver lining. Fuck the goals. Today I am going to do the best I can. Today I am going to make showing up my success. Today I am going to throw a tantrum and be proud of my emotions. Today is not about being great or moving mountains. Today is about being right here right now, as is.

There is so much in life that pulls us away from what really matters. There are all the little things that start to weigh us down until the weight just feels heavy. Right now, in my life, all of those little things just keep adding up. It’s the wedding and the graduations. It’s the shelter dog and the commute. It’s the beginning and the end. If I put my blinders on I know I can get through today. I can look at each client, each class, each phone call and know it’ll be a good one. If I look towards tomorrow or next week, it all feels overwhelming. If I keep looking at the right now, these moments are actually moving faster than I want. These moments are fleeting and unique and there is so much to offer. I don’t want the stresses to take that away.

These moments aren’t just about the ungrounded feeling with each step, these moments effect so much of life. I get frustrated with the meeting I showed up to and they didn’t. I get frustrated with the slow car when I just want to get home. I get frustrated with the constant laundry and the dishwasher that always needs to be unloaded. I struggle between the need to show up and get shit done and the want to just say fuck it and move to a different country where it’s always 70 degrees and sunny.

It’s easy to judge ourselves harshly when things get heavy and hard. We may wonder why we can’t go back to that one moment in time when life was simpler. That time when we fit into those one pair of jeans or the time we easily repped out chin ups. There is the times we could stay up late and still rally the next day. Or the times meeting a friend for lunch on Saturday could last all day. Time has a way pulling at the milestones and leaving behind the little stresses. Usually the path wasn’t as perfect or easy as our minds remember them. There was still stresses back then. There was still laundry and chores. It probably wasn’t as perfect as I remember it, but I’d still like to remember it that way. Now it is about grabbing a cup of coffee mid day to get my motivation moving. Its about putting on some head phones and having a solo dance party in the bathroom to shake out the anxiety. It is about finding coping mechanisms to make these hard times a little easier.

We all struggle. For now, I am going to put pin in the things that don’t need my immediate attention. The car that needs a good detail, put a pin in it. The new years goals that aren’t getting done, put a pin in it. The yard work that keeps getting worse, put a pin in it. Instead, I want to walk dogs at the shelter on the weekends and let the puppy kisses make me smile more. I want to spend my Thursday nights on a friends couch with a glass of wine talking about everything that doesn’t matter. I want to enjoy dinner with my boys giving a listening ear or unsolicited advice. I want to escape the stresses for some of the joys that life brings. I am going to make decisions that aren’t always the right ones, but the right now ones. I might get lucky and I might fail but I am hoping to get closer to finding me.  Finding ways to filter through all the stresses in hopes of having a little more fun and amazing memories. The bigness of everything is weighing on me so for now, the blinders will stay on… Please Send Help!