The New Year came before I had time to write my last blog of the year.  Some might say I procrastinated but time is flying by and this time I couldn’t catch it.  I wasn’t sure how I wanted to finish off the year and I was even more unsure how I wanted to start the New Year.  I wanted to say, “2024 is going to be a good year.”  But the reality is, I have no idea what lies ahead.  I don’t know the paths I will take or the decisions I will have to make.  So much of these moments will be out of my control, I can only plan so much.  Even with the unknowing, the way I handle these times will be in my control, how I deal with the upcoming year is mine.  The stress I carry, the energy I give out, those will be in my control.  The people I surround myself and the boundaries I put up, those will be in my control.  I am realizing that the years aren’t meant to be good or great, they are meant to be lived and enjoyed.  Our perspectives and how we handle life are what can make a good year great.  For my first blog of the year, I thought I would reflect on last year.  I would give a closing post to open the slate for the year ahead.

We are not perfect.  Our lives are littered with failures and struggles, deficiencies and weaknesses.  With our best foot forward, we can still fall flat on our faces.  Sometimes life isn’t perfect and other times a silver lining needs to be muzzled.  We need to feel failure and experience pain.  We need to embrace imperfections and faults.  Because our biggest lessons in life almost always come from our mistakes, not our successes.

Just like my body, my mind needs some active recovery.  I am sitting in a hotel in Santa Cruz California.  I am alone and away from everything life.  I’ve got a stack of notecards, a journal, my computer and of course a bag of candy corn.  I am taking a break from everyday life to reflect on the present, the past and the future.  Sometimes it is like a ghost whispering in my ear and other times it is a song that forces me into a solo dance party that my downstairs neighbors are sure to feel.  This time away, this time alone, is the biggest gift I give myself.  I do it every year.

This summer went by way too fast.  There was a lot of “could have” and “should haves” and not enough of “that was perfect”.  I didn’t get up into the mountains to hike.  But I went for a lot of walks with friends.  I didn’t get to the beach for a lazy afternoon.  But I had some girls nights and some intimate dinners.  I didn’t walk around as a tourist in my own town.  But I went to a few concerts and met some new people.  There seemed to be a lot of the in-between.  I had time to enjoy some moments, but they seemed fleeting.  And all too quickly it came to an end.  The mornings are crisp and dark and the evenings are coming earlier and earlier.

As much as we can plan for our tomorrows, as much as we can predict what comes next, we actually have no idea.  Each day teeters on planning and deciding.  But all we need is one moment to distract us and move us from one direction to the next.  We can set out our five year plan.  We can put a date on the calendar for a girls night.  We can buy tickets to a far away vacation to escape all the planning and stresses.  But life is a path that’s neither predictable nor certain.  Adapting and adjusting is sometimes what needs to happen regardless of the calculated planning.

I took the past six months off from my blog and pretty much any other writing that wasn’t to-do lists or thank you notes.  Life has been overflowing and the lead up to my minis graduation created an explosion of emotions I was expecting or prepared for.  But honestly, I needed to be present with my life and the people in it.  I needed to connect with people, I needed puppy play dates and wine dates.  I needed walks and hugs.  I needed my community, face to face.  I have been feeling lost but needing to be present.  I can keep giving excuses, but life is always busy.  Finding time to be alone with myself has been a challenge.  Instead of trying to creatively give myself excuses why I couldn’t write, I just allowed myself to not write.  Luckily I found my way back to the computer.

The end of the year has come and the New Year is just beginning.  This is our time to reflect on the past and look ahead to our future.  This is the time to set some resolutions for what we hope for.  This is the time to recover from the over indulgences of the holidays and set some goals for the year ahead.  I look back at the year past and I am so thankful for every person who is in my life.  I have the best boys a mom could ever ask for.  I have family that I look forward to spending time with.  I have friends that are there for every celebration I get to experience.  And they are still there to pick me up every time I fall down.  My look back into 2022 is filled almost exclusively with happiness and smiles.  The year was filled with growth and experiences.  It was filled with adventures and transitions.  Between all the good was still a fair amount of tantrums and frustrations.

Every time I sit down to write my blog, I come up short. I sit down and write a paragraph or two and then I get distracted or I get tired or my brain just turns off. Most of the time, I try to plow through another paragraph. Before I even get through the first sentence I have nothing to say and no words to write. I thought it was my mind needing some rest. I thought it was time management, and I couldn’t find the time. When all the stars line up, I am still left staring at the screen. I am too quick to move on and at the same time there is always something to pull me away. What I realized, it is none of the above. I am lacking motivation. I am lacking the drive and the discipline to just write. And it is very frustrating.

September was the beginning of the school year and the beginning of fall. The weather stayed warm and the sun was in full view. It felt like we got some structure of our schedules and the transitions are settling in with new ones on the horizon. Soon it will be the holiday season and the dark, cold days winter. As we get to hold onto our extended summer and ease our way into the hibernation, our mental health is in need of some investing. One that is worth both the cost and the time. We all seem to be running harder and faster, reaching farther and higher, and stretching ourselves in every direction with little time for ourselves.

The sun is finally out, the days are longer and the watermelon is in season. It seems like everything is in alignment and life should be smooth sailing. It seems like motivation should be high and shit should be getting done. And yet its not. The to do list still feels heavy. Getting up in the morning still seems exhausting. The workouts definitely aren’t getting easier. And the long days can feel especially long. With everything going in the right direction, why is finding motivation so hard? It seems like we have all been waiting for this summer with so much hope and anticipation. So why does it feel like everything is a little bit tougher and a little bit slower?