I was sitting here, looking at my computer.  I kept thinking that I have so much to say but I just can’t seem to form it into the thoughts that would make sense in the written form.  My thoughts would begin in one direction and then move into a completely different direction.  I couldn’t seem to find a way to make sense of all the things going on right now. 

So often we look at the way someone looks or the way they act and we wish we could be like them.  We try to figure out what their secret to success is.  Well, there is no secret to success.  One size doesn't fit all.  If life were that simple we wouldn’t have to learn from our mistakes because people would have already made those mistakes.  Mistakes and all, we have to own who we are. 

The holidays are knocking at our doors, waiting for us to open up and fill our homes with decorations we never knew we needed or wanted.  Walking through the grocery stores we are bombarded with the constant reminder that it is time to start planning, buying, and scheduling all our holiday festivities.  I know it is only the middle of October.

My partner in all things life is gone, and yes I know I said it last week.  I want today to go by and this week to go by and this month to go by and then this 10 months to go by.  I want all this time to just disappear so that I can get my partner back.  Ok, I don’t really want to skip ahead 10 months, but I sort of do.   Dreading these 10 months has left me open to the idea that I don’t actually want to erase this time.

I spent this past weekend at a fitness and business summit in Seattle.  The three day summit had an all-star line up of fitness professionals that were willing to share inspiration and wisdom from their successes and failures in the fitness industry.  As I was driving home, I was overwhelmed with information.  My mind was racing over the many different points that stuck out, trying to retain those “ah-ha” moments.

I am competitive.  I know surprise surprise.  I hate to lose at anything and I want to win at everything.  Most of the time I think competition is great, I love the competition in tennis and basketball.  I love competing with myself in powerlifting, and I like competing with people who don’t even know I’m competing with them.  Is there a point when competition takes away from the activity?  I have seen both sides of competition and there have been times that the ugly side has shown its face.

For the most part, plateaus suck.  We set the goal, we work our asses off to accomplish it and then somewhere, somehow plateaus will come out of nowhere to make us second guess all our hard work.  They don’t really happen quiet like that, but they always seem to come when we are hungry for more and stop us in our tracks.  It’s almost a test to make sure we want it bad enough, or give us an excuse to take a step backwards.  

I was working out today and feeling great about my training.  My nutrition has been good this summer, my workouts have been challenging, I’m feeling strong and when I look at myself in the mirror the woman smiling back is someone I am proud to be.  And then, as I was finishing up my final set of back exercises, I realized I was waiting for the other foot to drop.  I realized I have been anticipating that moment when something terribly wrong will happen to me, you know, to “even” out these good feelings.

I am sitting here enjoying a peaceful night to myself.  We have about 10 days left until the minis head back to school and all that structure and consistency can return.  The time to think and write and breath will return and for the next nine months I will be given the gift of public education for my minis.

There is too much positive in this post to start anywhere but the end.  The village that surrounds me today is full of life and love and people that genuinely are looking out for my best interests.  This village listens to me, they make me laugh harder than I knew possible and the moment I start to fall, they somehow pick me up before I ever hit the ground.  For a large part of my life I didn't know what it felt like to have a village, I felt abandoned by the idea of one and I searched in all the wrong places trying to create one.